


Our Fair City

by Stakebait



Series: Strange Bedfellows: Being the Unlikely Adventures of a Vampire and a Slayer [9]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-02
Updated: 2010-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 21:25:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stakebait/pseuds/Stakebait
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Buffy and Spike in superhero world, now with 100 percent more Spandex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Fair City

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with Keren, but it won't let me say so because she doesn't have an AO3 account. (I do have her permission to post). Script format.

Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Spike: Oh goody, another unwelcome guest. Wish I could get you people  
de-invited from my house.

Xander: Admit it, you havent changed. Youre just doing this  
because you have an insane obsession with Buffy, and as soon as you get  
over it its back to tearing us apart and screwing us over.

Spike: Yeah, maybe. I dont expect it to end anytime soon, and with  
any luck you wont be around by then. I stayed with my last girlfriend  
for over a hundred years.

Xander: Buffy is not your girlfriend!

Spike: Yet.

********************************************************

Spike: ... On that note, do you think you could put a leash on that yapping  
Chihuahua friend of yours?

Buffy: Huh?

Spike: You know, Xander? He stormed into my place demanding that I dont  
talk to you, his girlfriend, and possibly every bloody woman on the planet!  


Buffy: What is it with you and Xander? Youre like five year-olds  
fighting over a toy truck.

Spike: That useless ruddy git just doesnt like having a man around  
who can do more than provide comic relief.

Buffy: He does a lot more than that!

Spike: Like what?

********************************************************

Spike: I just have more important things to worry about. Like Magneto  
here, hes got Professor X all riled up again.

Xander: Too true my friend, too true.

********************************************************

Buffy: and speaking of scoobies, I seem to remember a certain vampire,  
well Slayer at the time, saying, Xander was right.

Spike: I never did.

Buffy: You did too!

Spike: Did not.

Buffy: Did too! Right before...

Spike (cutting her off): Ok-ok! Just dont tell anyone. I dont  
fancy getting all palsy-walsy with him anytime soon.

********************************************************

They stare at each other for a few minutes, Buffy fidgeting and obviously  
unsure of herself. Suddenly, Spike grabs her by the upper arms and pulls  
her to him. She looks up into his eyes and he leans down and kisses her.  
After a moment, Buffys own hands come up to grip Spikes elbows,  
as she leans in to kiss him back.

Nighttime in the Sunnydale Park. Buffy has just finished dispatching  
a small group of vampires that had been planning on having a couple of  
teenagers for a midnight snack. After staking the last vamp, she turns  
to the two cowering kids.

Buffy: Everythings ok now, youre safe.

Kids: Dont hurt us! (They run away, terrified)

Buffy: (under her breath) youre welcome.

Buffy returns home a bit later to find a very peeved Joyce waiting for  
her in the foyer.

Joyce: Buffy, where were you? You were supposed to be home an hour ago!  


Buffy: Well, I couldnt very well tell the vampires I had a curfew  
and could they put this off until tomorrow evening?

Joyce: You know I had to go to the gallery. I needed you to watch Dawn.  


Dawn: Not to go all Nietzsche on you but the god is dead. I dont  
need a babysitter.

Joyce and Buffy stare at her uncomprehendingly. She snorts and walks  
out of the room.

Buffy: Look Mom, Im sorry but...

Joyce: No buts young lady. Perhaps if you managed your time better youd  
be able to handle all of your responsibilities.

********************************************************

The next morning, Buffy arrives late for her English Literature class,  
and attempts to sneak in unnoticed.

Professor: Ah, Miss Summers. Nice of you to join us.

Buffy: Im sorry. I...

Professor: Perhaps you could tell us what prior engagement you had that  
was so important?

Buffy: I-I...overslept.

Professor: I see. Well, Im terribly sorry my class cuts into your  
beauty sleep. Perhaps I should arrange it for a different time to suit  
your needs.

Buffy, trying to make herself as small as possible, slinks to her seat.  


********************************************************

That evening at the Magic Box, Buffy arrives to find the gang already  
gathered. She stomps up to the research table, throws her bag down and  
huffs into a seat.

Buffy: Argggh! I have been having the most terrible horrible no-good  
very bad day!

Xander: (barely looking up from the comic hes reading) Is the world  
ending again?

Buffy: I wish.

Giles: Whats wrong Buffy?

Buffy: Oh, nothing. (Pause) Its just  I saved these two kids  
necking in the good way from being necked in the bad way by like six vamps  
and did I get a thank-you? No! They looked at me like I was the monster  
and ran away! Then my mom gets on my back about babysitting Dawn, when  
she doesnt even need a babysitter anymore. And as if that wasnt  
bad enough, I was late to English Lit because I had to finish a paper  
for Modern Poetry and got totally reamed by the professor. Its not  
like I could tell him vamp attacks put a serious dent in my homework time.  
This just sucks. (Points to Xanders comic) At least in that world  
people with super-human powers are thanked for their good deeds. (She  
pouts)

Xander: (peering warily at the cover of his X-Men comic) Well, actually...  


Spike: (walking into the shop) Evenin all. (Looks at Xanders  
comic) Is that the new Grant Morrison X-men? (Swipes it from Xander, sits  
down and starts to read)

Xander: Hey! I wasnt done with that! (Goes to grab it back)

Spike: (without looking up, puts his hand against Xanders chest  
and stops his advance) Shut it. Im readin here.

Buffy: (ignoring the exchange) And they get outfits. And nobody ever  
questions your secret identity. Or where you were when you went all incognito,  
or recognizes you when you put on those really nerdy glasses. And theres  
never a line for the phone booth.

Anya: Well, why dont you do it?

Buffy: The council would kill me. Or try, anyway.

Anya: Dont you people listen to me when I talk? How many times  
have we gone over alternate dimensions?

Giles: Anya, I really dont think...

Buffy: No, wait. Go on.

Anya: (sighing) Dont you think if theres a world of no shrimp  
and a world of unbearably cute and evil things that there would be a world  
of superheroes? Where do you think these ideas came from in the first  
place?

Spike: (still reading) From repressed ninety-eight pound weaklings who  
couldnt get shagged to save their lives.

Anya: True, but not the point. If you really wanted to, Buffy, you could  
go and transport yourself back here, as long as you set a magical anchor.  


Giles: Brilliant. And whos going to keep Sunnydale safe while shes  
off gallivanting about in a cape?

Anya: No one will have to. These dimensions work on a completely different  
timetable. She could go now and come back now.

Willow: Ooh-ooh! Like that book with Mr. Tumnus!

Anya: (smiling encouragingly) I dont know what youre referring  
to, but perhaps youre right.

Spike: (still reading) So wheres the bloody wardrobe?

Anya: No closets needed. Just some magical components that we happen  
to have in stock. And how will you be paying for this, Buffy?

Buffy: Put it on my tab.

Giles: Buffy, I really dont think this is prudent.

Buffy: Prunes or no, I wanna do it! Whos with me?

Spike and Xander simultaneously: I am! (They glare at each other)

Willow: Well, I would kinda like to see what another dimensions  
like -- of my own volition, that is. I mean, hey, different.

Tara: Can we stop in the no shrimp world and get me an eggroll?

Anya: (Beaming) Sure!

Buffy: (To a very disapproving Giles) Please Giles? Pleeeease? Ill  
be careful. Pretty please with sugar on top?

Giles: I know Im going to regret this.

Buffy: Yay on Giles! (Hugs him) Okay, Anya, hop to it!

********************************************************

Evening in Sunnyopolis. The streets are unusually quiet. A flock of pigeons  
swoops low between the darkened skyscrapers and settles in the eaves of  
the clock tower of City Hall. A shadowed figure stalks silently across  
the rooftops, leaping from building to building with cat-like grace. At  
last, crouching behind a parapet, the figure rests, gazing down at the  
penthouse below. The tip of a cigarette glows red like a coal in the darkness.  


Across the way in the penthouse itself, a middle-aged gentleman sits  
reading from a large leather tome at a broad mahogany desk. A cup of tea  
cools, forgotten, at his elbow. The door bursts open and Buffy appears,  
clad in a floor-length champagne-colored evening gown. Her golden hair  
is swept up, small ringlets framing her face. She holds a diamond choker  
in her hands.

Buffy: Giles, can you fasten my necklace?

Giles: Of course, Buffy. (He fastens her necklace and spins her around  
to face him) You look beautiful. Its hard to believe youre  
all grown up now.

Buffy: (smiles) It has been fifteen years since my parents died in that  
car crash and you became my legal guardian.

Giles: It still seems almost like yesterday that I taught you to hold  
your first stake.

Buffy: No business tonight. For once I want to forget Im The Slayer  
and just be Buffy Summers, patron of the arts.

Giles: Should I be expecting a new sculpture this evening?

Buffy: Well see if anything catches my eye.

Giles: Have a good time, but be careful.

Buffy: (kisses his cheek) Always.

********************************************************

Meanwhile, back at the lab, Willow, garbed in lab coat and tortoiseshell  
glasses, is tinkering with a mysterious mechanical object. Tara is seated  
on a stool, studying a large leather-bound book.

Willow: I think Ive almost got it. If only I hadnt used up  
my last sample of Chemical X!!

Tara: Dont worry, we have time. I still havent figured out  
how to compress the ball of sunshine enough to fit in your launcher.

Willow: (sighs) Without the containment field, its useless anyway.  
I guess Ill go and finish the repairs to the Hovercat.

********************************************************

Also meanwhile, across town, Xander is perched on the ledge of a building,  
garbed in white spandex Speedos and top, with matching white cape, boots  
and mask and a large gold utility belt sporting a stylized garlic bulb  
on its center medallion. He is trying to peer in at the apartment next  
to him when a window opens.

Anya: (Sticking her head out) Well well well, if it isnt Kid Garlic.  
What are you doing here?

Xander: (Blushing and almost falling over the edge) An-Anya Jenkins,  
crack reporter! Uh...(draws himself up) Im defending Sunnyopolis  
from the evil that lurks in the night!

Anya: (Snorts) On my ledge? Wheres The Slayer?

Xander: (proudly) The Slayer has entrusted me to watch over the city  
this evening.

Anya: (Shutting window) Were doomed.

********************************************************

A little while later, in still another part of town, under an abandoned  
warehouse, a tall dark man lurks in the shadows overseeing a horde of  
scurrying minions, who have at last begun assembling his masterpiece.  
His brow is furrowed, perhaps with anger, and the dim light glints off  
sharp teeth beneath a narrow waxed mustache. Without turning, he barks  
a command to the cringing acolyte who follows in his wake.

Shadow Master: I need more Chemical X!! Tell the suppliers no more excuses!!  
Get it tonight or somebody bleeds!

Acolyte: Yes Master.

Shadow Master: (Spinning on his heel sharply so his high collared cloak  
swirls behind him, revealing its red satin lining) At last, my great labor  
is nearly complete!! In two nights time I will control the wealth  
of Sunnyopolis and plunge the world into darkness so my Shadow Warriors  
can roam unhindered! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

********************************************************

Sometime around midnight, Buffy has returned home and is getting ready  
for bed. She has put on her long white silk nightgown and is brushing  
her hair when she hears a knocking at her window. She grabs a stake and  
goes over to investigate, only to find Xander hanging outside the window  
suspended by his cape.

Xander: A little help here?

Buffy: What happened to you?

Xander: Well, I was on my way home from my patrol of the city when all  
of a sudden this thing comes out of nowhere and nails my cape to the side  
of the roof. Id really like to get down now.

Buffy pulls him in, ripping his cape in the process. She then jumps agilely  
out the window, scales up the side of the building and pulls a long red  
sliver of metal out of the bricks. She goes back inside carrying the newfound  
object. On the roof opposite, a shadowed figure gives a satisfied chuckle.  


Buffy: The Crimson Spike!

Xander: The Crimson Spike here? I thought he only did business in Luna  
City!

Buffy: Well, wherever hes from hes in my city now. Go home,  
get some sleep, Im on this.

********************************************************

A little while later, Buffy is on the rooftops attempting to pick up  
the trail of the Crimson Spike. She is now dressed in the garb of The  
Slayer; a red spandex body suit with a v-neck piped in black that dips  
down almost to her navel. Her arms are bare except for a black armband  
on each, matching her slim black utility belt and thigh-high black heeled  
boots. Her black mask is also v-shaped, echoing her neckline. Her hair  
swings loose, partially revealing the insignia on her back, a black heart  
pierced with a wooden stake through the center. She follows a trail of  
cigarette butts across the rooftops, finally halting to inspect a footprint  
left in the tar of a roof. A shadowed figure materializes out of the darkness.  


Spike: Hello cutie. (He is wearing all black spandex with a large red  
railroad spike printed on his chest. A long black cloak obscures most  
of his body.)

Buffy: (spins and gets into fighting stance) The Crimson Spike! How dare  
you set foot in my city?

Spike: My reputation precedes me, I see.

Buffy: (Tosses his spike at him, which he deftly catches) It was no jump  
in logic really, you left your calling card.

Spike: Found that on Useless Lad, did you?

Buffy: What are you doing here? Run out of jewelry stores in Luna City?  


Spike: I came to see you. See, the superheroes there werent doin  
it for me. No real challenge. But you, youre a regular legend. Had  
to come see The Slayer for mself.

Buffy: Oh stop, youre making me blush. (Punches him in the nose)  


Spike: (Smiles at her) Now thats more like it. (Sweep kicks her  
feet out from under her.)

Buffy: (Hopping up) Oh, I havent even started yet.

Spike: I certainly hope not.

Spike throws a left hook towards Buffys face, but she deftly avoids  
it by doing a series of back-flips out of the way, landing on a slightly  
raised air-conditioning unit. Spike rushes towards her yet again, and  
she flips over his head, landing on her feet behind him, and dealing a  
sharp blow to his kidneys. He grunts, lurches forward, and barely ducks  
a kick to his head.

He spins and sends a haymaker Buffys way, connecting heavily with  
her cheek, causing her to grunt. He then performs an uppercut, sending  
her flying across the roof and into the door of the roof exit, where she  
bangs against it and falls to the ground. Spikes reprieve is short  
though, as Buffy jumps to her feet and rushes toward him. Spike grabs  
hold of the water tower support, spins himself around it for momentum  
and kicks her in the jaw.

Her head snaps back, but she quickly recovers and grabs his foot as he  
comes around for another pass, yanking him out of his grip and throwing  
him across the rooftop. Spike skids a few feet on his back, and groggily  
gets up, using the roof door as support. He is readying another assault  
when Buffy is suddenly upon him with super-human speed. She grabs him  
by the neck and pins him against the doorframe.

Buffy: Are you happy now? Youve met the legend. She has beaten  
you. Now get out of my city!

Spike: Now why would I do that, luv?

Buffy: Because youre not wanted here. And...and youre wearing  
my colors!

Spike: Am not!

Buffy: Are too! See (points to her outfit, then his).

Spike: I am clearly wearing black with red, while you luv, are wearing  
red with black.

Buffy: And that is such a big difference! And, I know Im getting  
even further off track here, but why no mask? Every Super-Villain wears  
a mask! Its in the rulebook!!

Spike: I dont play by the rules. I like a bit of danger in mlife.  
Unlike you, I dont feel the need to hide my identity. What you see  
is what you get. And you like what you see, dont you...Buffy Summers?  


Buffy: (taken aback) How did you...

A bright light illuminating the night sky cuts her off. A giant heart-shaped  
searchlight is displayed against the convenient backdrop of low clouds,  
a shadowy stake piercing its center.

Spike: What the bloody hell is that? An apple with a big stem? (He squints)  
A wobbly pie chart? A...

Buffy: (Loosens her grip a bit, distracted) Its The Slayer Signal!  


Spike: Oh well, excuse the hell out of me, Im new in town!

Buffy: (glancing back toward her penthouse) I have to go, but first...  


She turns to The Crimson Spike only to find him mysteriously gone.

Buffy: This is bad.

********************************************************

Buffy arrives back at the secret tunnel hideout under her apartment building  
to find Giles, Xander, Willow and Tara already gathered.

Giles: Buffy, thank god youre here. Ive just had a call from  
the Mayor.

Buffy: Whats the up?

Giles: Mayor Dolittle has received a very disturbing call. A villain  
calling himself The Shadow Master has demanded 50 million dollars from  
the city by tomorrow night or he has threatened to plunge the world into  
eternal darkness.

Buffy: And hes planning on doing this how?

Giles: He claims to have a-a sort of Doomsday device. He calls it The  
Magnetron, but I have no idea what its meant to do.

Xander: Yeah, cause magnets always cause darkness.

Willow: Scientifically speaking, I suppose it would be possible to cause  
a permanent eclipse by pulling the moon over the sunBut that would  
take an enormous amount of power. And it would only be dark in some parts  
of the world. Not to mention the tidal problems(she pulls out a  
calculator and starts punching buttons rapidly.)

Giles: Yes, well the Mayor has requested your presence. I suggest you  
go to city hall right away.

Buffy: We have another problem. The Crimson Spike is in town!

Everyone gasps.

Buffy: It gets worse. He knows who I really am.

Giles: H-how?

Buffy: I dont know, but I intend to find out. Xander, get suited  
up, youre coming with me. Willow, get the Hovercat ready for action.  
Giles, see if you can research anything on eclipses. Lets move.  


********************************************************

That night, back at the Shadow Masters lair, various minions are  
assembling the final pieces to The Magnetron. The device has taken shape  
now; it is a large red and white U-shaped magnet, connected by a myriad  
of wires to a giant hydraulic-jack, so it can be raised through the warehouse  
roof when ready. The final calculations are being made on the various  
computer setups, and barrels of Chemical X are being wheeled around and  
carefully emptied into receptacles in the machine. The Shadow Master stands  
amongst the bustle waving his arms and shouting orders. A familiar shadowed  
figure crouches on the ledge of one of the upper windows, surveying the  
proceedings and giving a running commentary for his own amusement.

Spike: (As the Shadow Master is yelling at his lackeys) Thats right!  
Work faster, my cowed and stupid associates! We must have no mistakes!!  
So I will distract you with shouting as you make the delicate connections!  
Look! (As the Shadow Master spins to shout at minions behind his back)  
Take heed of my poncy cape! Look how it billows evilly! (Spike takes a  
drag off of his cigarette before continuing) I dont think this gadget  
is obvious enough! When the giant red bit sticks out of the roof, no superhero  
will notice it until it is far too late. Maybe I should help them out  
by sending a ransom note. (As the Shadow Master throws a conniption and  
tears off one of his minions heads, turning him to dust) You idiot!!!  
I distinctly told you I wanted this blood tepid! It is clearly lukewarm!!  
You will pay with your life. (He stubs out his cigarette and lights another)  
Pathetic. These blokes never learn.

********************************************************

Meanwhile, Buffy and Xander, AKA The Slayer and Kid Garlic, are on the  
hunt for the Shadow Masters lair. They walk the streets, heading  
toward the docks. As they pass a newsstand, the headline of the Sunnyopolis  
Times catches their eye.

WERE DOOMED!

SLAYER LEAVES KID GARLIC IN CHARGE OF CITYS SAFETY!

Xander blushes and groans as they continue on their way.

Xander: Now how do we know where to look again? Was there a return address  
on the ransom note?

Buffy: Willow detected a large amount of electromagnetic activity in  
this area. Its a good place to start.

Unbeknownst to our heroes, they are closer than they think, only a few  
blocks away from the Shadow Masters actual hideout. Both The Slayer  
and Kid Garlic are making their way down an alley, occasionally tapping  
on walls and peeking in dumpsters for signs of a secret entrance, when  
they are suddenly set upon by half a dozen of the Shadow Masters  
minions. All are in vamp face, ready for action, and are garbed all in  
black with a silver SM on the left breast of their body suits.  
Buffy loses no time. She takes a running start, leaps and vaults over  
a dumpster, executing a flawless double flip, and landing feet first on  
the chest of the first minion. He falls to the ground, and at the touch  
of a well-concealed button on her utility belt, a stake pops into Buffys  
hand. She hoists the stake and plunges it directly into the conveniently  
placed SM insignia, turning the minion to dust.

Meanwhile, Kid Garlic has a minion of his own to deal with. He manages  
to land a couple punches, and even ducks the first couple of assaults  
thrown his way, but his lucky streak ends when he attempts to retrieve  
a stake from his similarly outfitted belt. As Kid Garlic is frantically  
pushing the stake release button, he is sucker-punched into unconsciousness.  


The Slayer is heedless of the minion dragging Kid Garlic off behind her  
back, as she is surrounded by the remaining four minions. They all rush  
her at once, but thanks to her Slayer reflexes, she is able to leapfrog  
over one of the approaching villains, causing them all to draw up short  
to avoid smacking into one another. She pops up in a forward roll and  
spins toward her aggressors, launching two stakes at her targets, and  
hitting the bullseye with both. She then begins a series of cartwheels,  
ending with her feet smashing into one of the two remaining minions, sending  
him careening into the brick wall. As The Slayer turns him into a small  
pile of dust, the final minion takes the opportunity to be as far away  
as possible.

Buffy: (looking around) Well that was easy, right KG? KG? Kid Garlic?!?  


********************************************************

Back at the Shadow Masters lair, Kid Garlic is flailing against  
the restraining arms of his minion captors, halting only after he accidentally  
hits the switch to open the roof. He gazes in awe at the large machine,  
and tries to figure out what it will be used for.

Shadow Master: Stop your useless struggling, boy! There is no way out  
of here unless you can fly! AHAHAHAHA!! (He chains him to the side of  
what looks to be giant clock gears.) Once this wheel completes its circuit,  
you will be nothing but axle grease!!! (The wheel begins slowly rotating,  
drawing Kid Garlic slowly near the crushing gears of the other wheel.)  


Xander: Do you just keep this thing around for when heroes drop in?

Shadow Master: Silence! You are hardly a hero, boy, and your precious  
Slayer cant save you now. For by tomorrow night, I will rule the  
world!!

Xander: With 50 million dollars? That cant even buy you a building  
in Downtown Sunnyopolis!

Shadow Master: That is only the beginning. Once The Magnetron is in full  
effect, darkness will cover the earth and my Shadow Warriors will terrorize  
the land and bring it under my dominion!

Unnoticed by the Shadow Master or Kid Garlic, the Crimson Spike has hung  
himself upside-down from the open skylight, watching the proceedings.  


Xander: Could you clarify that? Because I didnt think magnets caused  
darknessuhyou evil fiend!

Shadow Master: Foolish whelp! But since you are about to dieI might  
as well gloat! Let your last thoughts be of my sinister genius!

Spike: (rolls his eyes) Here it comes

Shadow Master: Perhaps you have heard of the dinosaurs?

Xander: Yeah, everyones heard of the dinosaurs. Big lizards. Extinct.  
Unless someone does too much nuclear testing and one comes up out of the  
ocean and destroys your city.

Shadow Master; Cease your prattling! The dinosaurs became extinct when  
a meteor crashed to earth, raising a giant dust cloud that plunged the  
world into darkness for years. I plan to recreate that. AHAHAHAHAHA!!  
(As Xander looks vaguely sick, the Shadow Master pats his head.) Dont  
think of it as dying. Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.  
(Sees a minion drop a barrel of Chemical X) You! Youre spilling  
Chemical X all over the floor! Ill mop that up with your head!!  


Spike hits himself in the head, amazed at the proceedings, and quietly  
slides down his zip line behind Xander.

Spike: (putting a hand over Xanders mouth) Quiet Halitosis Lad,  
Ill have you out of here in a jiff.

Spike manages to unchain Xander without the Shadow Masters knowledge,  
and the two of them send up zip lines to tow themselves out of the lair.  
They escape across the rooftops, halting a few blocks away.

Xander: Who are you? Did the Slayer send you? (His eyes widen in surprise  
and fear as Spike lights up a cigarette, and his cloak blows back to reveal  
his insignia.) Y-youre The Crimson Spike!

Spike: (bows gallantly) At your service, mate.

Xander: Okay, not that Im not grateful, but umwhy did you  
save me? You put one of those in my cape not 24 hours ago!

Spike: (snorts in derision) Can you imagine living in a world ruled by  
that tosser? He doesnt even realize if the dinosaurs went extinct,  
the people will go extinct too. And if the people go extinct, what the  
bloody hell are we going to eat? Hes not much for long-term planning.  
And I cant stand that laugh.

Xander: Youre a vampire?

Spike: Im not even gonna answer that question. Now, toddle on home  
to Slayer, save the world, blah blah blah. (Suddenly reaches out, grabs  
a fistful of Spandex, and hoists Xander up) But dont breathe a word  
about me or youll find one of these (brandishes his trademark spike)  
through your head. (He vanishes into the night.)

Xander: (In a very small voice.) okay.

********************************************************

Back at the Slayers penthouse, Xander, AKA Kid Garlic has returned  
and is regaling the gang with tales of his escape.

Xander: So then I took down three more minions, BAM! POW! WHACK!

Giles: Yes, yes Xander, Im sure you were very valiant. Now about  
that plan?

Xander: (deflated and a bit embarrassed) Oh, right. Hes gonna make  
a big rock hit the earth and cause everyone to go extinct like the dinosaurs,  


Buffy: Ummm?

Willow: Of course! The dust cloud! With the sun obscured its a  
vampires paradise!! Except for the no people part

Giles: But no magnet could possibly be that strong! And if it were, it  
would attract every metal object for thousands of miles! His own device  
would crush him!

Willow: Not if he had a large supply of Chemical X. He could focus and  
intensify the magnetic field into a concentrated beam. And if he switched  
it off at the right moment, the asteroids momentum combined with  
the earths rotation would cause it to land far from here. Far enough  
to keep it from turning his lair into a giant crater, anyway.

Buffy: We have to stop him! Willow  can you have the Hovercat ready  
by this evening?

Willow: I think so.

Buffy: Great. Thats when we move.

********************************************************

That evening at the Shadow Masters lair, the Magnetron is slowly  
being raised through the giant sky light in the roof. As it begins its  
ascent, a giant hole erupts in the side of the building, revealing the  
hovering form of a giant mechanical cat, minus the legs. As the dust settles,  
The Slayer and Kid Garlic come vaulting into the room, stakes at the ready.  


Buffy: Nice place you got here.

Shadow Master: Ah, The Slayer. Your puny efforts are fruitless. In only  
a few short minutes, I will rule the world!

Buffy: Not if I can help it!

She leaps for him, fists raised, but he is ready for her, and uses her  
momentum to fling her past him into a row of blinking consoles. Sparks  
erupt and the lights go out, leaving only the dull glow of LED screens  
and the full moon to illuminate the room. Buffy flips up, ready for action  
and begins advancing on the Shadow Master, only to be grabbed from behind.  
As she struggles against her captor and the Shadow Master moves in, the  
grip on her throat is suddenly released as the minion holding her erupts  
into dust. Buffy checks behind her and sees Kid Garlic fighting two minions  
by The Magnetron. She assumes he has saved her, makes a mental note to  
thank him later, and gets into fighting stance.

Meanwhile, Xander is fighting off two advancing minions. He grabs a bolo  
out of his utility belt, spins it around his head and releases it. The  
bolo entangles the legs of one of the minions, dropping him to the ground.  
Unfortunately, the other minion rushes him, sending him flying into The  
Magnetrons main control panel. Sparks fly as Kid Garlic fumbles  
with his utility belt while attempting to fend off the minion that is  
trying to bite his neck. He finally manages to push the panic button,  
and releases a mist of holy water from various tiny jets around his suit,  
dousing the vampire whom he then stakes. The mist also settles on the  
machine, causing the sparks to multiply.

Kid Garlic: (looks to the sky and says reverently) Thank you, Dr. Willow!  


Back on the other side of the warehouse, Buffy is still sparring with  
the Shadowmaster.

Buffy: (Uppercuts him in the jaw, sending him flying into a pile of empty  
vats) You know, Im getting really tired of this.

Shadow Master: (Gets up and does a series of spin kicks, finally connecting  
with her jaw) Of course you are. My strength far surpasses your pathetic  


Buffy: (Does a double pirouette, kicks him in the stomach, launching  
him through the wall) Nothis whole everyone is wearing red and black  
thing! Is there only one tailor who works in Spandex? Geez!

She stalks over to where the Shadow Master had landed and finds no trace  
of him. The Magnetron is in its final stages of life, having been banged  
around during the fight, and it is emitting small explosions here and  
there as puffs of smoke arise from its circuit boards. The Shadow Masters  
warriors, noticing the absence of their master, are wisely deciding to  
flee.

Out of the corner of her eye, Buffy sees a glint of metal and kneels  
next to a fallen body. Its chest has been pierced with a red metal spike.  
She pulls it out and looks up at the skylight, her face half framed by  
the moonlight.

Buffy: KG, you go on, Ive got something I have to take care of.  
(She shoots her zip line upward and flies up to the roof.)

********************************************************

Buffy: (looking around) I know youre here.

Spike: (materializing out of the shadows) Good guess luv.

Buffy: Not really, again with the calling card. (She waves the spike  
in his face.)

Spike chuckles.

Buffy: Why did you help us?

Spike: Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Buffy: Youre making it very hard for me to kill you.

Spike: Now why would you want to go and do a thing like that pet?

Buffy: (As if to say duh) Because you know my secret identity?

Spike: Why would I want to share you with the world? (Starts walking  
closer.) You can hide from everyone else, but you dont have to hide  
from me, Slayer. I know you, Buffy Summers.

Buffy: (softly, mystified) But you just got here.

Spike: I knew you from the first moment I saw you. (Keeps walking closer  
with every word) Both sides, society darling and deadly hunter. Theyre  
both beautiful. (He gives her an appreciative once-over, grabs her and  
kisses her soundly)

Buffy, surprised, freezes for a moment before she wraps her arms around  
his neck and kisses him back. Suddenly the two embracing figures are the  
blinded by the slitted bright headlights of the rising Hovercat. They  
release their hold on each other, and both turn towards the light, startled  
and disappointed. When Buffy turns back a moment later, The Crimson Spike  
has once again vanished.

********************************************************

The next morning, on the steps of City Hall, Anya Jenkins is finally  
interviewing Kid Garlic.

Anya: So you escaped the Shadow Masters lair on your own and brought  
the details of his cunning plan back to the Slayer?

Xander: It was nothing.

Anya: What are you doing Friday night?

Spectators gather at the foot of the City Hall steps to see Mayor Dolittle  
and the Slayer up at the top, behind a podium.

Mayor: And to the Slayer, we award the Key to the City for once again  
rescuing its citizens from deepest peril.

Everyone claps, pictures are snapped, and the Slayer and her faithful  
sidekick, Kid Garlic, smile on.

********************************************************

Back at her penthouse, Buffy is back in civvies and is standing  
in the library, turning the Crimson Spikes spike over in her hands.  
She finally sighs and puts it on the mantle.

Giles: (walking in with the tea tray) What is that?

Buffy: Just a souvenir. (She then hangs up her Key to the City next to  
the seven others she has received.) Eight keys to the city is nice and  
all, but besides the fact that I havent figured out where the door  
is yet, I get tired of all the hoopla. Im just a girl doing my job.  
Itd be nice to live somewhere where no one had ever heard of the  
Slayer.

********************************************************

Poof! Back at the Magic Shop

Buffy: Anya was right! Its still now!

Xander: That was so cool!

Spike: (leers at Buffy, who blushes) For once, I agree with you, mate.  


Tara: (looking at Willow, amused) Why a Hovercat?

Willow: I have no idea, but how cool was I? I invented it! (Starts waving  
her arms around) Ooh-ooh, I need more Chemical X!

Tara: And you looked mighty cute in a labcoat.

Giles: (mumbling) Didnt seem much different to me, really.

Anya: (beaming) I was a reporter! A fact-finding genius.

Xander snorts and turns away.

********************************************************

A little while later, Buffy and Xander are walking home together.

Buffy: Comic book land is a nice place to visit, but I wouldnt  
want to live there. Loved your boots though, KG.

Xander: Ha ha, TS. A heart with a stake through it?

Buffy: (pouting) It was my subconscious, I cant be held responsible.  
Spike thought it was a pie chart. I bet Batman never gets that.

Xander: Yeah, but he wears a hat with ears. (Gets serious) Look Buffy,  
theres something I have to tell you, but you cant say anything  
or Ill have both my ears pierced and everything in between. Not  
that he can really do that here but

Buffy: Xander, what are you talking about?

Xander: I umdidnt bust out of that warehouse on my own.

Buffy: You didnt?

Xander: Not exactly. Remember that part where I dusted three minions,  
tore off the chains, and leapt the machine with a single bound? That really  
happened to Wolverine in X-Men #346.

Buffy: So what happened to you?

Xander: (looking down and muttering) Spike rescued me and made me promise  
not to tell you.

Buffy: Then why are you?

Xander: Hey, Kid Garlic promised The Crimson Spike  no one said  
anything about Xander.

Buffy: But you hate Spike!

Xander: Yeah, but the Sidekick Guilds watchword is integrity. I  
dont like taking credit when its not due.

Buffy: (Hugs him) Thank you, Xander. I needed to know that.

Xander: But he doesnt.

Buffy: Mums the word. (Zips her lip)

********************************************************

Later that day, a bit before sundown, Buffy makes her way to Spikes  
crypt, and bangs the door open as per usual.

Spike: (Sitting up in bed) Bit early for patrol luv. Dont you usually  
ring before barging in these days?

Buffy: I wanted to catch you unawares, see what the Crimson Spikes  
like when hes at home.

Spike: Well he was sleeping. (He gets out of bed and starts looking for  
his cigarettes, garbed only in his jeans.) Welcome to my lair.

Buffy: (peeking around corners) You got any doomsday machines hiding  
around here?

Spike: Not really my style. (A bit sleepy and grumpy) What are you doing  
here? Not that I mind but

Buffy: We have unfinished business.

Spike: And what would that be?

Buffy walks over, grabs and kisses him. Spike pulls back from her, startled.  


Buffy: (looking up at him and smiling) See, no mask.

He leans down and covers her lips with his.

**Author's Note:**

> To read Returning, a crossover between Strange Bedfellows and the Angel/Wesley  
> series Epiphany by The Brat Queen, visit http://countylimerick.prohosting.com/fanfiction/buffy/returning.htm
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters arent ours. We just like to play with  
> them. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, WB, UPN and any other  
> copyright holders. The Shadow Masters parting admonition to Xander  
> is shamelessly stolen from Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett,  
> first published in 1990. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good,  
> Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst was first published in 1972. Mr. Tumnus  
> is from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis, first published  
> in 1950. Speedo is a registered trademark of Speedo International Ltd.  
> Batman is a trademark of DC Comics. X-Men, Magneto, Professor X, and Wolverine  
> belong to Marvel Enterprises Inc. And no, that didnt really happen  
> in issue #346. Or if it did, its a coincidence.
> 
> Special thanks to Jason for his comic book inspirations.


End file.
